There’s an absolutely timeless thread of funny Biz Markie Stories over on Soulstrut and if you’re bored, it’s worth reading through the entire thread. There are truly some gems up in there. Here are some notable excerpts:

Thes one says:
One time Biz called me while Djing a midget convention in Canada.

paulnice says:
Okay, one of my favorite Biz stories – one that literally had me on the floor holding my gut – went something like this…
According to Biz (mind you, it’s ALWAYS so much better when he tells it), he was at some big rap concert in Canada in the early 90’s. Other than Q-Tip, I forget who he said was there, Gangstarr maybe? Anyway, apparently Sade is backstage (yes, that Sade). So naturally everybody is all in awe. Biz goes right up to her and asks her if she’d be down to do a collabo on a song. She politely declines, citing that “she doesn’t do those kinds of records” or something like that (okay, maybe it wasn’t so polite). Without missing a beat, Biz then asks Sade “Do you mind if I do something?” Before “What?” can fully come out of those lovely lips of hers, Biz proceeds to take his right hand and (quoting Biz) “palm the shit out of that big ass forehead of hers!” Yes, apparently, Biz, for whatever reason, shook Sade’s forehead with his palm for a good 4-5 seconds. “Sorry, but I’ve ALWAYS wanted to do that.” says Biz. “I understand.” Sade answered back. One can only imagine the looks of utter disbelief on the faces of Q-Tip & co.

Cas says:
the funniest shit to me that still has me rolling is his quote in “rakim told me” when asked to speak on “pickin’ boogers”, this is what the man said… “i wanted to do a record like that becuase i knew a lot of people that used to pick boogers. i used to know a kid named anthony hussey and he used to pick his boogers back in the day.”

Donger says:
Biz played a gig with a friend and I, and he had no headphones so he borrowed my friend’s. Well if you’ve ever met Biz in real life you know just how gigantic dude’s head is, anyway long story short he put the headphones on his big head and they snapped. These were good headphones too. He just kept playing with half of the headphones dangling over his shoulder, and never apologized! My friend was happy just to let Biz use them, so he didn’t mind. Biz is a big dude, can’t believe his huge cranium snapped those headphones.

sticky dojah says:
a few years ago biz did a show in cologne (at the time when he started to work with groove attack) and he was djing, rapping (just a friend was done by the crowd too), doing the beatbox holding the mic on his head, using his skull for resonance and stuff. incredible!!! at one point he stopped the music, went in front of the stage and said something like “yo, u german people are number 1” and made a little hitler greeting. i couldnt believe my eyes , but it was still comedy. he then proceeded dropping Kraftwerks “mensch-maschine”.

somebody says:
One time when Biz and Kane were in town way back in the late 80’s, I went up to the hotel to meet with them and I don’t know what the situation was but when I rolled up Cool V was getting his ass kicked by a few of our local BGD members. Then out of no where comes Biz with a 2×4 and in one solid fluid motion whops the three guys in the head and layed them out! Then he told me a story about some guys in VA cahsing him after a gig and shooting at him and he ended up getting away. Then he said the next day he was going through the crate he had next to him in the car and there was a bullet that traveled half way through the records and then stopped! He said his records saved his life.

DeeRock says:
Yeah man, one time Biz called me up and told me he was coming to town and wanted to spend a bunch of money and asked for all these records. So I go dig them all out and show up at his hotel room and he looks at them and says: “Oh I have all these” “I just wanted to see if you did” !!!!!!!!!!! He had this funny ass little kid goofy grin on his face when he said it.